Emotional rollercoaster ride

I've written this and edited it more times than I can count.  I wasn't about writing this, but I feel that it might help me to write it down, and to also let people know why I may have been acting strangely the last few months.  So here is my story:

On Tuesday July 16th, I was delighted to find out that I was pregnant.  My mind began thinking of who this baby would be, how our lives would change with 3 children, how to organize ourselves, and I was just plain excited! 

I had just over a week of excitement before I began bleeding on Thursday July 25th.  I was nervous, but I also knew that sometimes that is normal.  The next day, Friday, I decided to go to the ER because things had progressed and I realized that I was probably having a miscarriage.  In the ER, I explained what was going on to several different people and I cried harder each time I imagined the end result of losing my baby.  The Dr. finally came in and had me go in for an ultrasound; there was nothing on it.  I was devastated.  The Dr. said I was miscarrying and I would need to do blood work done over the next 5 days to make sure things happened correctly.  I completed all of my blood work and each time my numbers doubled.  That meant that I was still pregnant!  The theory we have is that I may have had twins and lost 1.  We can't be sure though. 

Well, due to that scare, I pretty much put myself in a bubble for a bit just because I did not want to lose my baby.  I know it was silly since if you are going to miscarry, it will happen.  Time went on, we had to move due to rent increase, and life got extremely hectic for the month since all of that had happened. 

Then, on Wednesday August 21, I began bleeding again.  I monitored myself carefully.  On the next day, August 22, I passed tissue and miscarried.  On Friday I had blood work done and confirmed that I was no longer pregnant. 

Not only was I devastated, but Devlin was having trouble understanding why there was no longer a 'baby in my belly'.  Having to explain to him that the baby had died was hard.  Depression hit.

I have had bad depression ever since my Mom passed away in 2009.  I have been battling it; sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.  In October 2012, I began seeing an Upper Cervical Specialist to adjust my neck and my health issues began to lessen.  Around March of this year I finally began to come out of my depression fog.  I was genuinely happy again and that felt great!  I was running again, biking with the kids, doing crafty things, I was cooking and enjoying it, and I felt like myself again.  Life still had problems, but I was getting through them easier.

Currently I am fighting daily to keep a hold on that happiness.  I have days when it is there, but since I miscarried I have been sinking deeper and deeper into the depression that kept me locked up since 2009.  I have had no desire to reach out to others; I honestly have been wanting to keep my phone turned off and not get on the internet anymore, but I know my family would not allow that :)

I have only miscarried  one other time, to my knowledge.  That time I only found out when it happened; I had not known about the pregnancy yet and it wasn't as emotionally frustrating.  This time I found out first and had my emotions yanked around for over a month with being told I was miscarrying and then everything being fine and then not again...whew...you get the picture.  It was hard.  I feel that I am ok and can move on now, but the depression is so hard to come out of!   

Anyway, here are some pictures that I've been looking at lately to cheer myself up.  

My boys trying to skip rocks.

 

See?  I can still smile :)