Note: I tried to differentiate the stories by using different colors - hopefully that's not confusing...
Chapter 1.
Chapter 2.
I met a wonderful man, and married him. We then had two beautiful children.Ok, so those chapter 'reviews' just barely scratch the surface of what went on during those times. That's fine, because it was life, and it was good for the most part (though life is never perfect).
So what was/is my Chapter 3?
Well, my Chapter 3 overlaps with my Chapter 2 and it gets really complicated emotionally. Why? Oh boy, that's hard to answer. I think I'm finally at a place to try to explain.
Chapter 3.
All while growing up my Mom had Crohns Disease, and while I was in High School she was diagnosed with PSC Liver Disease. She got sick a lot, especially in the winter. So when Jaren and I decided on our wedding in January of 2009, there was some opposition. We both felt strongly that that's when it should be though and we didn't want to wait until May.
After the wedding, my Mom got sick. It wasn't until April that they discovered that she had a large mass in her colon. What? Cancer? No way, not happening to my Mom! She got sick really fast, went through chemo, and still got even more sick. In July, she was admitted to the hospital and had her colon removed. A week or so later, she was back home because she was going downhill and wanted the comfort of her own home. We all felt that she was not going to make it.
On Sunday, July 26 we had a Family Home Evening and discussed our feelings about what was happening. We took pictures, told of our love for her and each other, and basically said goodbye. The next day she was put on hospice care. She was not really responsive the rest of the week. Around midnight on July 30th, I was alone in the room with my Mom. I was singing to her. I was singing 'Goodnight, my someone', the song she sang to me every night before I went to bed. I was crying and hit some notes wrong, my Mom grunted 'uh uh'. I smiled because she was always my greatest music teacher!
I then felt prompted to tell her I loved her and then I felt that I needed to leave the room. A couple of minutes later, my brother went in the room. She was gone.
Nothing could have prepared me for the loneliness I would feel. My Mom was my best friend and we hardly went a day without some form of communication!
The next part happened/developed over the time period of August 2009 to around January 2011: My family fell apart. I won't get into details, but it sucks. Throughout this same time, I got pregnant and had my oldest son, and I was in school full time too. I was stressed and was dealing with depression from losing my Mom, and then post-partum depression on top of that.
In September 2011, I got pregnant with my second baby! I was thrilled, yet I still was dealing with bad depression. I welcomed our second son in June 2012. Jaren started a new job (his internship) in Denver a week later. The arrangement was that he would live with his Aunt and Uncle, while I stayed in our apartment.
It. Was. Horrible.
I sunk into a deeper depression than I thought was possible. I was alone with a toddler, and a brand new baby and I felt like I had no one to turn to for help. After a month, I decided that I could not do it alone anymore and we all moved in with Jaren's Aunt and Uncle (such great people!).
I was still depressed and hardly did anything each day. It was hard to get out of bed, take care of kids, or do much of anything.
October 2012 is when I was introduced to The Specific Chiropractic Center by Jaren's Aunt. I began getting treated and started to feel less fatigued. It helped a ton. In January of 2013, we moved back to Fort Collins. I continued to get care, and I began to change my diet and to exercise more. These changes helped little by little.
In August, 2013 we had to move across town. This move brought the potential for good things and bad things. I honestly believe things would have been good, but this was also around the time that I miscarried. I was so excited to add to our family and I felt as if it was ripped away from me. So, I chose laziness and sadness, I guess it was easier...
This situation made me drop into an even deeper depression. This time, though, anxiety came along with it in full strength. The thought of talking to people freaked me out, emailing people was hard, posting on Facebook was hard. All I wanted to do was to sleep, watch TV when I was awake, and let Jaren do the rest. I tried my hardest to make it look like my life was in order, so no one would really know how I was feeling. I hardly told Jaren what I was feeling, but I know that he could tell because of my lack of doing anything.
I began running again in November, and it helped. The holidays made this harder though, and I still felt depressed, and I missed my Mom so much during this time. I was just grateful that I didn't gain any weight during this time!
Fast forward to now. How am I feeling? I am still depressed, and I have bad anxiety. It takes all of my energy to get out of bed, and it's hard not to snap at my kids. I hate driving because of the anxiety. I also daydream about horrible scenarios happening, things that would most likely never happen, and sometimes these thoughts are scary.
So what am I doing to help myself? How am I overcoming my Chapter 3 and opening up my Chapter 4?
First, I know that Heavenly Father is always with me, and that Jesus Christ suffered for us and can help with our struggles and heartaches.
Second, during the second week of January, I started limiting foods that I know make me feel bad, and I began exercising again. I have now lost 17 pounds since November!
Third, I have set goals for myself. I registered for the BolderBoulder 10k in May, and I registered for the Thrive Convention in April.
Fourth, I am pushing myself to become social again. This is a big part in why I am writing this LONG post! I want to have friends, I need to have friends, and I know that won't happen unless I put forth some effort.
The moral of this story is that I AM overcoming my Chapter 3, and starting my Chapter 4. This time of my life has been hard; harder than I ever imagined it to be. I do know that if I continue to do these things, then I will be able to move forward and be the person that I want to be!
Here is Jaren and me on our 5th wedding Anniversary today!
The boys and I were being silly after Jaren and I got home from dinner.
Here I am, feeling good after a fun date.
