Emotional rollercoaster ride

I've written this and edited it more times than I can count.  I wasn't about writing this, but I feel that it might help me to write it down, and to also let people know why I may have been acting strangely the last few months.  So here is my story:

On Tuesday July 16th, I was delighted to find out that I was pregnant.  My mind began thinking of who this baby would be, how our lives would change with 3 children, how to organize ourselves, and I was just plain excited! 

I had just over a week of excitement before I began bleeding on Thursday July 25th.  I was nervous, but I also knew that sometimes that is normal.  The next day, Friday, I decided to go to the ER because things had progressed and I realized that I was probably having a miscarriage.  In the ER, I explained what was going on to several different people and I cried harder each time I imagined the end result of losing my baby.  The Dr. finally came in and had me go in for an ultrasound; there was nothing on it.  I was devastated.  The Dr. said I was miscarrying and I would need to do blood work done over the next 5 days to make sure things happened correctly.  I completed all of my blood work and each time my numbers doubled.  That meant that I was still pregnant!  The theory we have is that I may have had twins and lost 1.  We can't be sure though. 

Well, due to that scare, I pretty much put myself in a bubble for a bit just because I did not want to lose my baby.  I know it was silly since if you are going to miscarry, it will happen.  Time went on, we had to move due to rent increase, and life got extremely hectic for the month since all of that had happened. 

Then, on Wednesday August 21, I began bleeding again.  I monitored myself carefully.  On the next day, August 22, I passed tissue and miscarried.  On Friday I had blood work done and confirmed that I was no longer pregnant. 

Not only was I devastated, but Devlin was having trouble understanding why there was no longer a 'baby in my belly'.  Having to explain to him that the baby had died was hard.  Depression hit.

I have had bad depression ever since my Mom passed away in 2009.  I have been battling it; sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.  In October 2012, I began seeing an Upper Cervical Specialist to adjust my neck and my health issues began to lessen.  Around March of this year I finally began to come out of my depression fog.  I was genuinely happy again and that felt great!  I was running again, biking with the kids, doing crafty things, I was cooking and enjoying it, and I felt like myself again.  Life still had problems, but I was getting through them easier.

Currently I am fighting daily to keep a hold on that happiness.  I have days when it is there, but since I miscarried I have been sinking deeper and deeper into the depression that kept me locked up since 2009.  I have had no desire to reach out to others; I honestly have been wanting to keep my phone turned off and not get on the internet anymore, but I know my family would not allow that :)

I have only miscarried  one other time, to my knowledge.  That time I only found out when it happened; I had not known about the pregnancy yet and it wasn't as emotionally frustrating.  This time I found out first and had my emotions yanked around for over a month with being told I was miscarrying and then everything being fine and then not again...whew...you get the picture.  It was hard.  I feel that I am ok and can move on now, but the depression is so hard to come out of!   

Anyway, here are some pictures that I've been looking at lately to cheer myself up.  

My boys trying to skip rocks.

 

See?  I can still smile :) 

Time slows down, diaster comes

Disclaimer: You may laugh at me, just please do so with love :) There is also a 'naughty' word used.  This particular day was very hectic and I was struggling to keep my cool and keep up with the day.  It happens to everyone.  But this particular day makes me laugh hysterically now that I look back at it!

Friday September 20, 2013:

Most of my morning was spent playing with the kids and trying to get work done, with Internet that was not working most of the time (long story).  Devlin ran to the bathroom and shut the door.  I waited and didn't hear anything after a minute, so I went to investigate.  He had peed his pants.  Right in front of the toilet.  He went to the bathroom and decided it was better to stand in there and pee his pants.  Big 'UGH' from Mom.  Then a list of questions to find why he decided it was better and then "Well, you need to clean this up, here's a towel." 

After things settled down, I put Kade down for a nap.  Then I got lunch ready, Kade got up, and we ate.  I left lunch out because Devlin takes longer to eat than the rest of us.  I was sitting on the couch and all of the sudden Hope jumped and put her paws on the table and starts eating our food!  While I was right there!!  I was so mad.  I hurried and put her outside while the kids were crowding trying to see the damage to lunch.  

Not even 5 minutes later, Devlin peed his pants again in the exact same way.  This time, I put him in time out and told him to then clean up.  He went in to take his pants off, and then there was a knock at the door...

*Now here's where time slowed down*

It was the postman delivering my Thrive Food order that had to be forwarded (for some reason my address update didn't work? something wrong happened).  He began to hand the package to me, and naturally I reached for it.  He quickly pulled it back and said "Woah, you have to pay me $9.88 for this."  I was annoyed with how he was acting, especially since he was holding both doors open and Kade was trying to escape and Hope was barking a ton.  I was overwhelmed.  I teared up.

I couldn't find my wallet right away and when I did, I dropped it.  I then got a pen, and dropped it.  Then when I took the cap off, I dropped it.  I felt like an idiot.  And to make things worse, the postman was watching me and laughing at everything.  He was laughing!  I felt so dumb. 

All the while Hope was still barking and I was writing the check and he says, "Don't you get so annoyed with all the barking?"  I barely kept my cool.  I tried to be calm as I said, "Yes I do, but she always does this when people come by."  I kept writing the check.  Who knew it took SO long to write one little check?!?!

THEN Devlin walks out to the whole scene butt naked!!  I kid you not!  I was still there trying to keep Kade from escaping while writing the check and the postman is still laughing.  I was mortified.  I immediately let go of Kade and grabbed for Devlin.  I tell Dev, "You need to go back to the bathroom, you don't have clothes on!"  He started to go back to the bathroom.  

I turn back to the mailman, and I say "sorry".  He responds with, "Don't worry, it's not the first time I've seen a penis."  Not making this up here!  I froze and thought, 'what a freaky thing to say...'  My next thought was finishing writing the check (yes, it took forever to write this check out) and to get him away from my house.  

Devlin starts to come back to say hi and the guy starts talking to him.  I think, 'you freak, stop talking to my kids after being rude  and laughing and talking about stuff.'  I then pushed Dev out of the way, threw the check at the guy, and grabbed my package.  Then I closed the door as quick as I could with getting the boys out of the way.

I felted so humiliated and embarrassed.  I decided that the mature thing to do here, after so many frustrating things happening in such a short amount of time, was to throw the package on the floor and then get down on the floor and cry.  Don't worry, it was food storage and it didn't break or anything :)  

As I'm on the floor, the kids got down too.  Devlin said, "you crying on the floor?" I had to laugh.  Then Kade started patting my head.  They brought me back to reality and I just smiled and laughed with them.

And all of this (in purple) happened in about 5 minutes.  It felt so much longer than that.

Looking back, it's hilarious.  I think the guy was trying to be funny in his own way, but with everything else that happened in the day, it came across in a bad way.  The next day we saw each other while he was putting mail in the box and he laughed again.  This time I just laughed too.  I no longer cared what he thought.